Discovery Home & Health

Hi i recently discovered my husband had set up his own email address and was getting really dirty porn messages and pictures sent through which made me angry but i got over it.I also at the time of finding out his secret email address asked him if there was anything else to tell me and he said no.Then a couple of days later i discovered he had joined a chat room and had his info put on there and he was receiving emails from girls with there information i couldnt believe it and the thing that gets me is the description of the girls he was looking for is completely different to me.I am 5 ft 6 and a size 10 blonde he was looking for a smaller woman with any race skin and any hair colour.I know it might sound silly but i feel almost like ive been cheated on,Am i being silly i am 9 mths pregnant right now and my hormones are all over the place but i feel so hurt and lyed too i know he would be so upset if it was me looking on there and lying.We are talking to each other and he is really trying to make up with flowers and chocs and things but i feel betrayed what shall i do? Please can someone give me some advice.Thanks

Hi Jayne, you poor thing I don't know what to say to you. I have heard that quite a lot of men start to feel neglected during their wife's pregnancy and look elsewhere for attention as they can't cope with no longer being the centre of your world. It's totally selfish but they are also panicking about becoming a Dad and all the responsability that brings. Maybe this was some form of escapism for him,as a release from his impending fatherhood? Is this your first baby? It's great that you are talking, hopefully getting caught will have made him realise how much he has to lose and how stupid he has been. I really hope that you can learn to trust him again. On the positive side you will soon have a gorgeous baby and I'm sure once he sees his child he'll cop on to himself and start thinking about you and the baby and less about himself.
Good luck and big hugs,
Em

Hi emily
no this is our third baby and very much planned too.I feel like ive been really close to my husband whilst pregnant we still have had a sex life and i havent gained lots of weight ok i have a big tummy but have got some lovely funky maternity jeans and tops and things.We are better now we have kissed and made up and things have started happening with the baby apparently it can come any time now and hes being so surportive but i still deep down feel insecure now.I dont like feeling paranoid its a relationship killer but i feel so betrayed i am at home with our children and have given up my career to be a wife and mother and make a happy home and at the same time ive aways made sure i look goos for him and myself as i feel its important.Thanks for your reply i thought people would see it and think im being stupid but it is a knock back for my confidence.Thanks for your reply.

Dear Jayne,

I can understand you feel anger inside of you. I think particularly since he is continuesly lying to you. Its good that you try to keep speaking with each other and this for sure should be the key factor of success. What your man is doing does not sounds strange to me. I had a lot of secrets about my sexual fantasies to my girlfriend before (10 year relationship), part of it even was about homosexuality. She did know only top of the iceberg so to speak. I didn't like to hide it but for some reason we couldn't talk about it. Our sex-life was ok (or at least I thought at that moment), but I was missing something (I have a strong sex-apetite and fantasy). In the end we broke up (my decission) and a part of it had to do with this. I promised myself that if I step into a relationship ever again then big secrets should be discussable. And there she was, the lady that was so enthousiastic about everything including sex that there was nothing to hide, everytime there is something we really talk and try to make our fanatasies work. As a result my secrets are 100% history although still I masturbate and watch porn with it, but she knows and think it's ok.
What is the connection with your husband, I don't know. But some simularities stroke me; First of all I had a lot of fantasies about homosexuality...now since everything is open and we can discuss everything its gone, strange but true. Your mans fantasy about a different type of female might be part of his FANTASY world and has nothing to do with his affection to you. All in all if our fantasy world wa 100% like our normal world, why we still need a fantasy world. In Dutch we have an expression which state: "The grass at the neighbours garden is always greener"
Secondly; my ex-girlfriend was only interested in WHAT I did and hide for her. Never was she interested in WHY I did it. This might be the reason why you still find out about your husband actions. It will take a long time and even more trust from both sides to really understand WHY he has these fantasees and why he is doing it. By really be open there is a good change that you will find a solution.
Males fantasy is partly different from females and much more conected to action. But I found out that if two parties are open (male and female) and willing to really listening to each others interests you could both gain. If you just see his actions as treath (and he sees it the same way) then he will be just defensive (and you as well) and each of you will never understand each other.

I'm not sure if this was helpfull for you, but it might gave some background in the males world.

All the best!

Barry

Thanks Barry for being really open about your true life and how men are.I know everyone has fantasies even me so it would be wrong to try and stop them.Im glad things worked out for you the only trouble with my hubbie is if i ask him to share a fantasy he aways says he doesnt have any obviously hes lying but if he wont share anything with me than what can i do!!Thanks for your reply.