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Sorry to post such a long topic on my first ever visit to this message board but I am in desperate need of some advice.

My husband and I have been together for 10 years but have been married for 1.5 years. Before we got married my husband was very keen that as soon as we were married we started a family and I was the one saying lets wait. Shortly after we got married we both changed our minds!!!! We have been talking about having a baby for about a year now, but my husband keeps saying that he is not ready. He is basically scared. Things have really come to a head as I just cant stop thinking about wanting a baby and he keeps putting obstacles in the way, reasons why we cant start trying just yet.

He has admitted that he is scared and keeps hinting that if we were just to have an 'accident' then his reaction would be a positive one. To that end I decided to come off the pill at the weekend. I have told him what I have done because I cannot bear to keep secrets from him. However, he has been talking to his sister about it and has basically said that he is scared and has a lot on his plate, doesn't think he can handle the pressure of children but if he doesnt go along with me then he is probably going to lose me. I now feel absolutely rotten and guilty because the last thing I want to do is pressure him into anything. I suppose I have the dream that every woman does, where I want my husband to be as excited about having a baby as I am.

I have only found out this morning what he has said to his sister and I am sat at work, willing myself not to burst into tears and am now thinking that I should go back onto the pill and forget about this until next year. The thing is he has 2 nephews who he absolutely adores and is brilliant with. I know that he will make a fantastic dad, but I dont want to lose my husband at the expense of wanting a baby.

Any advice greatly received....and sorry again for the post, but I needed to speak to people who know where I am coming from and no-one at work really knows what is going on.

Hi Lizzy,
Sorry to hear you are having a hard time of things. I have been with my husband for 8 years, married for nearly 18 months. Years ago when we had been together for a few years we discussed having children. He was really keen and said once we were married we would have children.

It took ages of me being fed up and "nagging" for us to get married. Then when we were married he said he wasn't ready. As you said he kept putting obstacles in the way. Wait till I have got a promotion, wait until the house is sorted etc etc. I finally came off the pill in January. Although he says he is keen, I still feel like he is not keen sometimes.

All the advice I can give it the cliched talk to him. Find out what he is scared of and try to reasure him. Let him know that it is pretty scary for you too. It's not his body that is going to have to go through all the changes and its not him that is going to have to "push a watermelon out a hole the size of a peanut"!!!!!! :-)
He probably does still want children, thought that after you were married it would be the right time. Now it is a reality that is really scary.

I have wanted a baby for ages and now we are finally trying. Hang in there it will happen eventually. Give him time, men usually come round to our way of thinking in the end.

Good Luck and Keep smiling :-)
Wendy

Thanks for that Wendy. We sat and talked last night and I feel a lot better about it this morning. We have agreed that I am not going to go back on the pill, but we are not exactly trying for a baby either...we are just not taking any precautions. I think for him that just sounds a lot less scary!!!

I explained to him that I am as scared as him but it doesn't stop this feeling I have inside that I really want a baby. We'll just see what happens now, and as I have been on the pill for 10 years it is probably going to take a while anyway and Iam happy to let nature take its course for now.

Hi Lizzy,
Glad you are feeling happier. Hope things all go ok. I know what you mean about all the scary stuff not getting rid of that underlying feeling of I WANT A BABY. I go through phases of thinking can I really do this, hearing stories from other people and getting quite scared. But I still can't help wanting a baby more than anything.

I had been on the pill for 10 years as well and I think my body has been getting back to normal after a couple of months. I am pretty sure I ovulated last week as I had two days of quite severe pain. We haven't been able to time things quite right yet, so still getting there.
Let us know how you get on.
Wendy