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Hey guys not sure where to begin really, but here goes;

I lost my Dad after a long battle with cancer in December, on the day of his funeral I found out I was pregnant, and it felt like such significant timing, we thought our luck had changed and were so hopeful - it was a big comfort. The following Day I was in a really bad car crash, and 10 day later they finally confirmed I'd lost the baby.

I've been having counselling for this for several months now, and have been ok with things, being pregnant again has helped in many ways, but I guess its has equally re-awakened many of the feelings of loss, although mostly I am on top of it.

For almost a week now I find everything is setting me off, and I am grieving all over again, I had a complete meltdown today with the midwife because I don't have my dating scan booked yet, and I just have no resilience to anything (stupidly, I am even crying typing this).

I can't work out what is genuine and what is hormonal any more, and I am just getting in to more of a state as I go along really.

I guess I was wondering if anyone els out there has experienced anything similar - I really would appreciate any advice, anti/post natal depression is the last thing on earth I want to deal with, and I'm scared of going down that road.

Thanks for listening

Cxx

Cludgie

Hugs....

Haven't been through anything like that although have had problems with my mum that i had counselling for, the only thing I would say is that you need to tell your GP / Counsellor how you're feeling, it may help just getting it all off your chest and also once your appointment with midwife is sorted.

Does DH know how you're feeling?

Sorry, don't know what other advice to give, just want you to know I'm here and thinking of you...

Hells x

Hey Cludgie,

Oh hun I wish I could give you a massive ((((hug)))), you poor love. You've been through an awful time with losing your Dad, losing your baby and having a car crash it's no wonder you're having a big wobble. It's only May, December is so recent - and for any one of those things to happen would have been awful and yet you had a triple whammy.

I lost my Dad to cancer eight years ago, it was mercifully quick but such a shock to have to deal with and I still don't think I'm 'over it', but it does get easier. To be honest sometimes I worry that I haven't dealt with it at all and that one day it will come out from nowhere.

I suffer from mild depression & anxiety - which is pretty much all hormone-related and I guess what I wanted to say was don't try and distinguish what's 'real' from what's hormonal, because it's all real - it's all happening to you and it's equally horrible, regardless of it's origin. I just wonder, although obviously being pg again is a huge comfort, whether you are (understandably) worried about something going wrong again - but forgive me if I'm being presumptuous...I just really felt for you, reading your post.

Keep breathing, Cludgie - take it a day (or an hour!) at a time and know that you will get through it and that its ok to feel bloody awful. Try and be as kind to yourself as you can and if it helps, avoid situations that might amplify how you are feeling (in my case that's anything that involves making a decision - even something as dumb as chocolate? or ice-cream? I don't know...someone choose for me because I'll just get it wrong and have to take responsibility for it...(!))

Talking really helps me, and there's a whole bunch of wicked people on here that will support you so please offload as often as you like.

Lots of love,
dats (2ww & 12+)
xxxx

Thanks so much ladies - Thankfully DH is wonderful, although isn't sure how to respond really. And am even more lucky to have 3yo DD who is just a comedy genious and brightens up every day even when being a little sod!

Am usually very in control of myself, but swinging from extreme to extreme, and have had a couple of days off work to give myself space, but need to go back, and am just not sure if I can be collected in public at the moment (may get embarrassing!)

Am very scared about welfare of this baby, which is why I flipped today at still not being referred for my scan etc after a lot of chasing, I also demanded I change midwife (not even met the one I was supposed to have as she only started this week), so feel a little better that I am going back to my old midwife who is lovely.

I also feel kind of guilty, when I lost the baby it took priority in my grieving over losing my dad (if that makes sense), and I was so hung up about that, I barely thought about him, which just seems to be cheating his memory completely. I guess it also feels a little like we moved on so quickly after losing the baby too. I absolutely do not want to replace the baby we lost, but now I can't straighten out the mixed emotions of having another one.

Ah flipping heck here I go again! I'm going now before I completely offload- thanks though ladies its really good to vent.

Cxx

P.s. Just to paint the picture DH has spotted I am crying again, and is now making a telescope out of toilet roll and pretending to be a pirate - its a novel approach right? I guess its a diversionary tactic - do men ever grow up?

Xx

Cludgie, your DH sounds just like my DP! I'm so glad you've got someone (two of them, in fact!) to do silly things to distract you!

I think the timing of grieving over your baby was completely understandable - and your Dad wouldn't feel his memory was cheated, because he loved you. You just do what you have to do, you unconsciously prioritise - and then have conscious guilt - it's a mindf*ck but you can't blame yourself for it.

If you need more time off work, take it - you are the most important person in this and you need to do what you can to feel better - sod work, it's just work!

Night night,

dats xxx

Hi Cludgie,

I am so sorry to hear about what has happened hun.<<<<<<<Big Hugs>>>>>>>> Please give yourself more time to grieve as it doesn't always happen at the time. It is ok the feel the way you do and i totally agree with everything Dats has said. I lost my Gran about 2 months back and to be honest i don't think i have grieved for her yet so please try not to beat yourself up about grieving more for your tragic loss of the baby more than your dad. I know that is easier said that done but the time will come when you will grieve properly.

I tragically lost an aunt 17 years ago who died in a horrible way (won't go into details but it wasn't a natural death and she didn't hurt herself!) Even though that was soo long ago i still find myself reliving what happened and grieving for her again which then upsets me as i thought i had dealt with it. Unfortunately i have now learnt that the feelings could crop up at anytime throughout my life and i have to think to myself that i dealt with my feelings at that time but not beat myself up if i feel bad in the future. I don't want to sound like i am telling you what to do, as that is not intended but i guess i am trying to say that you had a big whammy all at the same time and no-one expects you to get over it just like that. People heal at different rates. You might also find that the hormones of being PG again are also affecting you as i know they are with me and i had to deal with issues over my aunts death again a few months back.

Please know that we are all here to support you during this difficult time and i am about if you ever want to rant on. Getting it off your chest can really help on times. Also another tip, give your family a big hug when you feel down as that will make you smile and keep talking. Bottling things up is never good!

I hope i haven't said anything to offend you. Just remember you are the most important person and take it one step at a time hun.

Take Care

Rhi
xxx

Hi Cludgie,

Never realised you were feeling so low. & with good reason too. Ive come to the conclusion that pregnancy really does play with your minds (lol).

I lost my partner three years ago (the father of my two kids) it was really sudden, and i dont think i dealt with that very well. Got the kids the councelling and concentrated on them mostly.

Im now in a relationship with someone ive known a while (hes the father of baby number 3 that im expecting). I thought i had dealt with my former partners death and was moving on with my life. However just like you this pregnancy seems to bring up a lot of creepie crawlies out of the woodwork.

Along with having the complication of " Antibody M" im finding myself thinking of my former partner loads at the moment. Dp (baby number 3's dad) is absolutely fine as i think he realises this has loads to do with hormones.
But like you sometimes i feel guilty, and wonder if i have moved on too fast etc etc.

I have been ill with worry over the Antibody M and the prospect of delivering early, and i also have really bad nausea (which went and has come back).
Obviously dealing with a family already makes things a lot harder.

I guess what im trying to say Cludgie is, today the nausea is not really here (at the mo), I heard babies heartbeat for the 1st time two days ago and i guess im feeling a bit positive at the moment. Its at times like this that i can put things in to perspective and see clearer (if you understand what i mean).
I think i put myself in a rut and just dont know which way to turn, then on days like this i feel like, what the hell are you moaning about, there are loads of women that would die to be in your situation.

So Cludgie, it is the hormones. Dont try to work out your feelings in any depth, just try to be positive and think about the baby. Believe me when you have a day where you see things a lot clearer (like me). You will laugh and see, that you have done nothing wrong. Your dad will have known how much you loved him, and knew how much your child would have meant to you, so im sure he is probably up there watching you thinking that you shouldnt be worrying about him.

Ive already writtain on our thread about having to stay away from people bcos of my moods (lol). & i really do believe it is all just hormones.
We have loads going on inside us at the moment and our poor bodies are having some major adjusting to do.

Hope this makes you feel a little better Cludgie. Everyone is diffrent, but you arnt alone, and there are others that have felt or are feeling just like you.

Take care
Char x

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Char,

Hi there Cludgie,

Just read your post. Very sad indeed and my heart goes out to you.

I do understand how you feel...last year, my dad was diagnosed with cancer and I was 16 weeks pregnant at the time. He died 12 weeks later, and it was a massive shock to the whole family. I felt unable to enjoy the pregnancy and grieved for what felt like ages, and I still find it hard t accept that he never got to meet his grandson. I felt guilty about looking forward to the baby, but the girls on the pregnancy thread I was on were very supportive and helpful and friendly to me and it does help to talk about your feelings.

I can;t say a magic cure, but time does heal some feelings...

love silky xxxxxxxxxx

Dearest Cludgie,
So sorry to hear you are feeling so low, but like the other girls have said it is so understandable, you've been through so much in such a short space of time. Our bodies are very good at going in to automatic in order to let us get through things. At the time I feel your body realised that the grief of loosing to important things in your life would have been to much so you grieved for the baby you had lost. It probably now the grief for your father coming through, almost like delayed shock. You are doing the best possible thing and that letting it out and coming on her and talking about it. You have the right to feel as you do and don't try to label it, it is what it is, grief. I lost my nan just before christmas and I was there when she passed, it was the hardest thing to do watch her in so much pain etc and i'm still not over the shock of it either really.
One other note, I suffered from post-natal depression with my DD and it was terrible, I suffered for about 2yrs. I strongly believe though if I had talked to someone about how I was feeling or had somewhere like this to vent my emotions I would have been able to deal with it better. Make sure you do this, tell DH how you are feeling, come on here and vent it, speak to family members if you can and don't feel bad for feeling how you are feeling. When your ready to feel better you will.
I hope this has helped
Big hugs Pobs XXXX

Ahh sweetheart

Dont feel guilty , the people on here have given very good advice. I have not lost anyone and am 18 weeks pregnant - not only does pregnancy bring up so many hidden emotions , but everybody ( except other pregnant people perhaps ) expects us to be overwhelmed with joy ( which i am sometimes - as well as fear !!) but dont forget that you are grieving 2 other very real people. My partner and father of this child lost his nana - who he was bought up by - last summer and is still grieving despite his absolute joy at our arriving baby , and will still get tearful at the loss of someone so important - feelings are what they are , let each one arrive and wash over - dont deny them , they dont de-value any others. the last one you need to worry about is guilt. It sounds like you loved your dad very much and thats what was important. and dont worry about the midwife - if you have explained the situation she will understand - and it is understandable that you want some certainity when so many things have been out of your control

Be kind to yourself and let others be kind to you - really hope you are feeling better soon and look forward to the future xx

Thank you so much folks,

It really overwhelms me the power of sites like this when you really do need a bit of support, and how many totally sound people there are out there - you are all stars!

Am feeling a bit more chilled today, have friends staying the weekend - and Froest Beat Yeoville last night so can't be sad! (just re-read that and realise I sound SO shallow lol!)

Decided that I was going to treat myself today and be positive, so bough some maternity clothes (spent a total of £10.99 so really went wild lol), test drove a new buggy, and decided I'm going to buy a swinging seat instead of a bouncing chair for this baby!

I have to say its easier to get caught up in looking forward when you are in a nice bright shiny department store and all of those tiny sleep suits and cute litte novelty items are screaming out at you!

Anyhow all of your wise words really have helped, and I'll keep you posted!

Take care all

Cxx